( star here, ik i have not posted in 2 weeks so here it is: )
5/18/17 Dear dairy, I have not talked to you in a few days. And I started to bottle it up, again. Which is never good. First day: mom walked in and said I had a lot of school to do and because I was home alone all last week, she said I disappointed her. Day 2: we went kayaking, with the dog. Because I have scars on my leg I could wear a bathing suit. So, the dog fell in got my pants wet and because it was a little cold I was freezing and I could take my pants off. day 3: more fighting with my Ex-girlfriend, more making me feel like a slut. Day4 going camping Friday-sat (but I think day 4 is Thursday) day 5: packing for camping. Then a 2-hour drive to the campground. There was damn built near it and the cabin we stayed in were the cabins the miners slept in. and beacuse there was a damn, there was a river. But that night we went swimming and I made an excuse that I was climbing the tree and that how I got my scars. Day 6: we woke at 7 am to go rent kayaks and paddle down the river, I was sitting in at least 3 in. of water for 2-3 hours. Because they were sit on top my knees and my butt were even and after 2-3 sitting I could barely walk. After that we packed up and went home. Mother’s Day was my friends bday. And I got her a sweat shirt with her name on it. And she told me on June 13 she coming here for a week! And I’m flying back with her and staying there for a week! Monday: there was a missing girl who was missing for 2 weeks! They found her……body. The mom said “she had suicidal ideations” (this was in the newspaper btw) Tuesday: (in the newspaper) 13 reasons why, the Netflix original series, a series about a girl who committed suicide and left 13 tapes for the people that made her kill herself. They said in the paper younger kids were watching it and getting ideas. So, it got me curious, and I started watching it. And it made me relies I really don’t want to go to real school, and what sucks even more is my school ends tomorrow. yesterday me and my mom went to a horse ranch that last year we leased a horse, and since they moved we really wanted to see them. But on the way back my mom said we might not lease the horse because last year she didn’t have much time to herself and this year she wants time to herself. And she also said maybe no rats. (because I wanted rats) Today: got in a fight with my Ex’s new girlfriend on hangouts, and she said I need to stop pushing my shit on her. so I blocked my ex and now they r both mad. Why does everyone hate me? everyone says stop hating yourself or you will never love anyone. Well how cannot hate myself when everyone else does? Last night I sat in my bed wondering what is life without life? Yes I may have stopped cutting but I have become suicidal again.
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The other day it was freezing cold in my house, so I was going to go get something to warm my hands. I walk into the living room and say
"Someone should really invent some socks for hands to keep them warm! Hand Socks!" My mom just stared at my like Yep. That's my daughter... As I stood there with a horrified expression on my face. "Yes. I know what I just said. Gloves. I need gloves." So I walk out of the room. star here!
Dear dairy I don’t think I look for bad stuff, it just happens. I said I would do it once a week but today and the past 2 days were awful. so, we supposed to going kayaking on Sunday. Fail. The wind was blowing up to 40 miles per hour, and it stared hailing. Which I like weather like that, but I really wanted to go kayaking. I need to rant about today. So, I’m ranting here. So, I thought I was done with school, I had a F in a English class so I had to go to my parents work and bring it up. Meanwhile I was texting my ex, because she started cutting again and said that she was stopping and I said I wouldn’t because I have no reason too. Then she started talking all about how I shouldn’t. I just need time I need to fix this on my own. And she said it was selfish. Long story short, I want to go cut myself and cry myself to sleep and never wake up. Cut. star here!
so i have decide this is y dairy: Dear dairy, Glad to see your alive, I have decided to write once a week. Because my life is boring and I don’t know what to tell you on a daily basis. Today, we brought some kayaks, and tomorrow we are going to test them out. Also, today my mom said I was born to me my little cousin’s buddy…. And I started to think which was never a good thing, trust me. Well my mind came up with …... so, if I was born to be my cousin’s buddy I was born to suffer, because she doesn’t care or know what I have been through. I was born to make other people happy, but who will make me happy? Cut. hey guys star here!
so yesterday i posted 1/6 part of my life because i wasn't done with the rest. but here is the rest of it: In 6th grade I went to a middle school, but for the first 6 months I was on crutches because I had a bad knee I had twisted playing soccer. I got bullied a lot for that, one time when I was reading class I was going to sit down and a kid pulled the seat right out from under me, and the whole class started laughing, I couldn’t get up either because of my bad knee. Another time I was not feeling good and my mom forced me to go to school, but in English I threw up and was the laughing stalk of everyone. That summer after living in Illinois for 7 years we moved to Arizona to be near my grandma. I started school at a brand-new school they built that summer. New school, new people. And I knew no one. I felt like a stranger in my own skin. 6 months after moving there our jack Russel, who was basically my sis, died, due to stomach cancer. The first-year was pretty good, besides that and the books falling on my head every once and awhile. And at eh end of school my grandma died, and we didn’t have a funeral and I never got to say goodbye. Also at the end or the first year I had a boyfriend. My friend dares him to go out with me for a week, at the end of the week I said I liked him and he said the same. On valentine’s day we said we were a “thing”. At the beginning of the second year we meet a girl who was at a foster home, but hated her. So, me and my boyfriend decide to be friends with her to cheer her up, and my mom started paying for her hot lunches. But a few months later she asked my boyfriend for a bag so she could hide something from the PE teacher, he said I will give you one if you show me what your hiding, she pulled out 4 odd color pills, me and my boyfriend thought they were drugs so we ran to the office and told the principal. Boy did that girl hate us, she gave us, mostly me a hard time. Them one day she walked up to my boyfriend and said her brother knew a guy that and give her a tattoo, next day she said he couldn’t do it so she was going to do it herself. So, we ran down to the office again and told. She would not stop giving us dirty looks. When me and my boyfriend were walking in the hall I told him my mom was paying for her hot lunches some girls walked by and said stop bulling her. When were just trying to help. At the end of the second year my boyfriend purposely spilled water on me, and me having bad anger issues I poured the rest on him. Saying HA that’s karma, and because he was a Christian he didn’t believe in karma, and said karma is not real and you shouldn’t believe in it. So we broke, because I am defiantly not a Christian. He was not a good boyfriend and im glad I broke, because he forced me to kiss him, and hit me a few times too. 3 days after we broke he was with the girl we had trouble with earlier in the year. That lasted maybe a month the broke for 3 days and in that time, he keep asking my friend out over and over again. Then he got back together with the other girl and dated another week, then broke again. And right before school ended he started dating another girl. I didn’t go back because I had to much home work and way to much stress so I went to a online school, it was a nice break for “school” and people but I started to get lonely so I started playing a kids game “animal jam” and I loved to listen to music and this one day I found this song “she” and it made me realize I have a big crush on my friend from 1st grade. And because I wasn’t near her I started dating on animal jam because I was at teenager and had only been in 1 relationship. after one of them dumped me, I cried in pillow room ( a place where everyone hangs out), this super nice girl said everything would be fine. Me and her became great friends. Then she left and didn't come back on till this December, I thought about unbuddied (unfriended) her, but I never did, my gut told me not to. But while she was gone I meant another girl in the pillow room, she had 2 silver rings, and I though they looked so cool, I traded half my items for 1, me and her became great friends, and she basically gave me the other 1 Somehow, I found out she was a lesabian too, so I had a tiny crush on her, but I found out she had a girlfriend too, her girlfriend Said she was a scammer( someone who steals other peoples items), so I unbuddied her, few weeks later saw her in the pillow room again, we both said each other’s username looked familiar, then we knew each other again, she said she hasn't scammed in years! I asked her why she was in here and she said she was looking for a new girlfriend, I said I would help her... So I gave her comfort and helped her, but I guess she thought I was better and in a week we were married and adopted kids (I don’t know who this is a kid’s game) Few weeks later I told her I think we r going to fast and we should take a break, next day her " friend " said my girlfriend tried to kill herself, so I felt bad and stayed with her, while she was in the hospital, bell came back on. Said her girlfriend cheated on her, then we talked and talked about what we liked and she's a lot like me, I totally forgot about my other girlfriend. And I was dating bell, the other girl came back on, but was different, she was never with me, she always had people in her den( house for our avatar animal), so I thought she was cheating on me. So I continued dating bell, until bell found out about the other girl. Boy they were both mad. And the other girl started sending me mean messages, like “fuck you” “you hoe” “bitch” and would stick her middle finger up and take a pic and send it to me. I felt like all of them and didn’t want to come out of my room. I felt like I was drowning in my own tears. I found out she had a YouTube channel, so I started watching her videos. GASP she was on her " friends " account saying she got hacked. Turns out her " friend" was really the other girl, and I got mad and asked what happened and the other girl started lying to me like crazy. Evenly I stopped talking to her bc she was cyberbullying me. My second girlfriend didn’t break which I was surprised and happy because I just needed someone to say it would be okay, and just hold on a little more. Our relationship lasted 4 more months when I was really depressed and just needed take a break. but a few days after we broke she moved on, and my depression got worst. I started trying to think of ways to kill myself and even asked my ex who had almost killed herself, but she said to hang on and give it a week. So I held on and it did get a little bit better not much. I started going to a counselor, but I didn’t tell her anything about animal jam, but I stopped going because I needed to help myself. After all that someone I knew sent me a online test, I did it and 7 others with the same outcome…. I had mild to severe schizophrenia. It’s been 2 months and last month I was kind of happy, but this month I am depressed, and it made me think that I might have bipolar. So I looked it up and did some tests I have bipolar 2 not as severe as bipolar 1. And lately I have been home alone so I have had time to think about what I have done and I have started to cut again, not because I’m fat or ugly. But because I need to learn not to ever cheat or lie. Cut. hi guys! its star here and lately i decide to start keeping a online dairy.... ( this is the 1st page of my whole life story. )
so this is the start: ( stayed tuned for more! ) 5/5/17 Dear dairy, It been almost a year since we talked…. I might as well start over and tell you the whole thing…… I was born in Colorado 6/16/02. When I was born, there was a wildfire. We had 3 dogs 2 horses and some fish, but shortly after I was born one of our dogs died. We lived there 5 years then moved to Illinois to be closer to family. I started 1st grade and meet my best friend (we are still friends even to this day!). In 1th grade we got a new puppy for my 6th birthday for starting school, but little did I know what was going to happen…bullying. I was bullied a lot, I was small, nerdy and got teased and pushed around a lot. I had many friends in and out of my life, most would move or decide they didn’t like me or my friend. My mom used to say “ be yourself” 2 problems I didn’t know WHO I was, second when I was something like myself, people would judge. In 5th grade our Pitbull mix died because if stomach cancer. ( first page. ) -star |
About this PageJust us telling stories that have happened in our lives. Basically the tumblr of the blog area. |